They say you shouldn't believe everything you read on the Internet, but these Top 10 dumb quotes from corporate memos--sent to me recently by a friend who works in the real world--ring all too true. Company names withheld to protect the inept:
10. From corporate security: "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
9. Re: project planning: "Please provide a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
8. From the IT department: "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
7. From Marketing: "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
6. Quality control at its best: "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
5. In response to an inquiry about a deadline: "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
4. In response to a request for time off to attend the funeral of a family member: "That is our busiest day of the year. Could you change the burial to Friday? That would be better for me."
3. "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
2. From The Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
1. And finally: "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
Larry Tuck, Editor